By Dr. Sherri Singer, Psy.D., Attention, Behavior, Processing & Learning Expert
For Parents who have been through too many learning support programs for their child with little or no success:
I meet so many parents who are sad and tired because they have tried everything for their child including learning program after program and tutor after tutor, and have not gotten to the success level they want to reach. While no one thing can be the absolute cure, since children like everyone else are multi-dimensional, there are things that can be happening to make any academic based learning program not do as well as it could. Working on math, reading, spelling, study skills or any other straight academic program in a smaller group than a classroom or a one on one situation does not take into account the following problems that many kids deal with. If they have these problems, the one on one or small group will not create a different learning pathway than the large classroom does and only takes these problems along for the ride. Even more important is the fact that if the child with problems is learning to be comfortable in only a 1 on 1 situation or a small group, their skills at being able to function in a larger classroom, which will be imperative in their future education, will suffer and they may continue to have the same problems. We are training them now for what they need to do later. Getting them used to a temporary fix that will hurt them later, will do nothing to help them in the long term. I focus on changing the following to help them be able to navigate any academics and any learning environment with less frustration and more success, so they get used to what they will need to do later on. These are not generally trained in academic based support.
1.) Processing Speed. Processing speed is the ability to quickly perform cognitive tasks. The faster a child’s processing speed is, the more completely they will be able to perform the task without getting lost. Many forms of help try to slow information down to accommodate the child’s speed. Since the world does not usually slow down for us, I prefer to work on speeding up the child. Since this is not an academic task, but rather a foundation skill, many programs can miss this.
2.) Multi-tasking/Simultaneous Processing. This is the ability to handle more than one task at a time. Many of the kids I meet lean on one skill more than another. Many times, this can be described through school reports as the child being a "visual learner" or "auditory learner" just to name a few. The usual way these kids are dealt with is to change the position they sit in, in the classroom or to focus the work toward their way of "learning". Again, the adult world does not often have the ability to change how things are presented as evidenced by the many adults I have helped who cannot keep up at work, so my choice is to help the child train at handling multiple processing skills at the same time. My thought is if they can handle multiple inputs at once, they can be more successful, less stressed and forever drop the label of what kind of learner they are.
3.) Short Term Auditory Memory/Sequential Processing. This is the ability to do things in order step by step. Can’t tell you how many parents I have seen who tell me that they tell their child to do several things and the child gets to the first or second thing and then either gets lost and has to be asked again or just goes and does something else. It can look like defiance or ignoring, which can get parents angry, but if the child is having this problem, it isn’t about defiance or ignoring, but instead, about a weak skill. Strengthening this skill can mean a world of difference for the child’s ability to do everything asked without getting lost along the way.
4.) Distraction tolerance. This is a term I have developed as a way to describe training that helps a child learn to ignore distractions. We are in an educational world of larger class sizes than ever before. For those kids and even with kids who are in smaller classes, at times, noise can throw brain timing off and create lots of frustration. Training to ignore that noise can mean a world of difference to the child’s success level. Again, the usual route for this in most programs, is to try to control the outside world and stop the noise or frustration. That is simply not possible to do and certainly you cannot control all environments your child will be exposed to throughout life. Training the child to live within the noise and work through it and get beyond it, is the true way to help the child.
5.) Behavioral Interference. Many programs deal with only learning or processing. This area is where I feel I have so much more to offer to families, because in addition to all those other things mentioned, I also specialize in stopping behavior while working on processing and learning at the same time. With the behavior interference gone, the learning and processing work can go much further and be very successful. Much behavior I have witnessed in my 26 years of helping kids and families is caused by frustration. No child ever wants to do poorly or be defiant. When a child feels something isn’t working right for him or her, he or she becomes frustrated and annoyed, showing all kinds of different responses. Some are cryers, some become anxious, some act out, some get super angry. All of those are an unnecessary distraction from normal life and happiness. Some parents I have met think very incorrectly that the child is just a "bad child" or there is something internally wrong. I certainly don’t mean to oversimplify and maybe kids I have not met have other issues, but for those I have met over 26 years, and I have met so many, frustration, based on faulty brain timing and processing issues, is the main issue with behavior being the response to it. The problem is that when you work only on learning or academics, and you don't focus on that brain timing or behavior at the same time, you are doing nothing to deal with helping the behavior problems/habits and you are not lightening the child’s load. I know how to do both for 30 years.
6.) Frustration Tolerance. Kids get frustrated. We all do. The response to it is really important. If we respond to a child’s frustration by making work less time or less difficult, how does that help the child later on when the work is more difficult or heavier? Again, the adult world does not make those contrived changes that the educational one sometimes does. So should we be working hard to change the work and walk on eggshells to stop the frustration from happening, or do we train the child how to work through the frustration and find a better way to cope with it while staying on track? I opt for choice 2. You may say it is not possible to do this, however, I have done it with lots of kids along the way. Is it easy? Not for every child. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Can it be done even with the kids who are expert at it? Absolutely. To be able to see a child calmly handle a mistake without running away from it, avoiding it, getting upset or complaining is priceless. At least that is what the parents tell me. It isn’t rocket science. Just guiding the child through and doing it enough times and letting it become rote.
Too many times, we get worried about a child’s frustration because it makes us uncomfortable and we want to soothe the child. While that is a normal parental response, and we feel cruel if we don't try to help, it makes the frustration response more profitable than the child learning healthier ways to cope and move beyond the emotional response to keep working independently. I train the healthier ways to cope and then we do it and do it and do it and do it until it becomes daily normal life and natural habit. Once parents get past the initial taking it on and staying calm and relaxed, the rest falls into place.
7.) Working memory. This is the ability to keep information in memory while doing other things. It is somewhat dependent on other things I have mentioned like processing speed and multi-tasking. If processing speed is not fast enough, holding things in working memory can be very tough and ultimately end in failure and frustration. If working memory is poor, trying to teach academic subjects 1 on 1 will be just as difficult and without staying power as in a large classroom. The memory skills must be trained to see a different result. Trained is not about talk therapy, but instead about repetitive practice and exercise.
Many parents I have worked with have gone from program to program, desperately searching for the one that works. The problem that many parents I have met all have in common is that they are all looking in the academic/subject based realm. If the underlying, foundation processing skills are suffering, programs that don’t train those are going to continue to have the same outcome. Please do not misunderstand me. I do not have any problem with academic based instruction via tutor or learning program. Those are good things to do. It’s the timing of them that is a problem. Processing skills and brain timing must be operating correctly first, prior to academic help. Once processing skills and brain timing are doing well, those kids will need to have academic and tutoring help and catch up to finish the process. These kids who are not processing information well, are so overwhelmed that they cannot begin to focus on the academics, so after fixing the skills and helping the child learn to cope, time with a tutor and or academic based learning program is a good direction. The order is not a choice though. If a child goes through tutoring or a academic learning program or help and does fine, then you know that the child’s problem probably does not involve anything deeper, but if you are a parent who has been through too many programs, too many tutors, too many meds and too much struggle and nothing is changing or you are seeing minor movement, you are probably looking at some processing or brain timing problems and those will need to be worked with first to see any changes.
Remember, though, the behavior will not just go away if you do the foundation work. Those behavior habits are there to protect the child-defense mechanisms. The habits will continue to exist until you take them on and I highly recommend you do that with supervision of someone who knows how to help you respond correctly. Any other response could create a worse problem and we don’t want to go there. I am excited to offer parents all of it in one place.
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Had something really interesting happen in our own home a few years ago that I thought would be really helpful to other parents who deal with behavior and information processing problems with their kids. My disclaimer here is that it is not hard science-just an interesting connection I noticed, and if it can be helpful to other parents, I am happy.
I consider our kids to have behavior and processing levels commensurate with their age levels and they are very good kids. The 2 older ones had much better progression with their processing skills then the 3rd and like all parents we try to provide help. We just thought it was a difference in the kids and never thought anything different.
One night, I went into the kid’s room (they all like to share) after they had fallen asleep, and I noticed that even with the blinds shut completely tight, the street light was shining through the openings and creating a lot of light on the walls. Although I had seen it before, I had not really noticed how bright it made the room and how it aimed right at our youngest's bed. Since I had just read about the benefits of totally dark sleep and the negative effects of sleeping with light in the room ( I am an avid reader of things that can effect behavior and processing in kids), I thought this might be important, so I decided to try an experiment that had some interesting results.
With or without the light in the room, our 3rd child’s sleep was definitely not the same as the first 2 as they were so close in age, that they got lots of sleep. Having a 3 year separation between the 2nd and 3rd made for a more difficult sleep set up for the 3rd since of course the first 2 would want less sleep and the 3rd was all too glad to help that cause. We would enforce 10 hours a night according to lots of sources I had read, and it was successful most of the time, but not always easy to attain.
Anyway, we went out and bought a simple, dark brown, thick curtain to go over the blinds, and put it up to block out all of the street light. Within just a few days, the changes floored me. Our 3rd who seemed overwhelmed a lot of the time, and more apt to have tantrums and shut down faster, as well as having some communication issues, was all of a sudden more patient, communicating better and not as fast to tantrums. Much more smiles! As the days went further, we saw more changes. He seemed to mature 2 years in a couple weeks. We hadn't changed anything else.
We were thrilled with this and it made me think about all the parents I had talked to in my practice about these very issues for years. I’m not trying to trivialize behavior or processing problems and certainly it isn’t always just this simple. It’s also not the same for every child, however, having been as interested in helping parents and kids with the effects of sleep, diet, and exercise on behavior/processing as I have been for years, this excited me and I wanted to share my experience with other parents.
My reading supports this change:
According to Dr. Vincent Ianelli, M.D. from About.com Pediatrics: "Experts are recognizing that not getting enough sleep can have significant effects on children. In addition to appearing sleepy, they may have a short attention span, be hyperactive, or irritable. People should sleep in the dark or in a dimly lit room. The reason is that melatonin, a natural hormone that our body produces and which helps stimulate our going to sleep, can be inhibited by light."
If the behavioral part doesn’t worry you enough, chronic exposure to light can cause health consequences too. Researcher Joshua Gooley, PhD, of Brigham and Women’s Hospital and Harvard Medical School in Boston supports that concept. "Given that chronic light suppression of melatonin has been hypothesized to increase relative risk for some types of cancer and that melatonin receptor genes have been linked to type 2 diabetes, our findings could have important health implications." Gooley says.
It may seem, like a "no brainer" to provide enough sleep for your kids, like we were trying to do, but when there is light in the room either accidentally or a bright night light, it seems it can contribute to some troublesome things.
Many parents ask me about the child who is afraid to go to sleep in the dark? My suggestion would be what we used to do when it came to night lights. We would have them on until everyone was asleep and then turn them off. It was painless.
I would love to hear your comments and stories of change below if something like this works for you ...
The parents I work with have found my suggestions to be very helpful. They are simple, logical and quick, if you do them in order and you mean business. All consequences should be age appropriate, safe and non harmful/abusive.
1) Take a picture of the clean room-that is their goal. You can post a larger copy of it on the wall.
2) Set a time limit to be finished and to have the room look like the pics. Be reasonable. Don't ask them to clean a hideous room in 5 minutes and at the same time, don't let them have 3 days to clean a small mess.
3) Have an appropriate consequence if not done on time. *Note: I cannot give direct advice about what they should be without direct contact as a client. If your normal consequences are appropriate and non-abusive, you can use those, or if you want more info from me, click the link below.
4) Follow through-if you don't take it seriously, neither will they. This should not surprise anyone but often does. If you threaten a consequence and then don't follow through or keep it going, the behavior will return again and again, because the kids feel it is a safe bet that you won't really do anything.
5.) Be sure you use a consequence that you can do. Have you ever heard yourself say "you're grounded for a month"? Can you really do that? Going overboard.is the number one reason for failure of parental directives. If you ground the child for a month, you are also grounded for a month. That is why it fails. Be appropriate and logically consistent with what you use. Also be careful of just taking away privileges. Any parent worth their salt will tell you that when one disappears,another is found.
Dr. Sherri Singer is a Processing and Motivation Skills Excellence Coach who works with you in person,
1 on 1, live via webcam. Contact Dr. Sherri
Great news today from the family of a 9 year old boy with behavior problems in school since the beginning of the year. I've seen them short term, again via webcam. His behavior wasn't off the wall, but bad enough to warrant fairly constant attention. Both parents and teachers had tried to use lots of interventions to put a stop to it without success and actually sometimes saw an increase in behavior. The main consequence was losing recess which seemed like a normal type of consequence, but no change, no matter how many times he lost it.
I talked to the child first. He loved the webcam. Said it felt like we were communicating from 2 different spaceships like the movies! I laughed and agreed! Sometimes I do feel like Captain Kirk which is fun! I sat down with the child first and asked him all about school. What he liked, what he didn't, What was his favorite thing to do there and what was his least favorite. Everything seemed normal to mundane. It was when I started asking about recess that I found the loose string that everyone else had seemed to overlook!
I asked him how he liked recess and he told me, he hated it. I found that odd for a 9 year old boy so I asked more and found that he reported that on the recess playground, he was being picked on by several boys and the playground monitors were not seeing it. I asked him if he had asked anyone for help. Turns out the boys had told him if he asked for help, they would hurt him physically. Definitely a situation we were going to have to address and stop post haste-completely unacceptable, but what was immediately more interesting to me, was the fact that he told me that he knew that if he got in trouble during the school day, he didn't need to worry about the playground problem, as he could be punished and miss recess.
So, you see, getting limited from recess was actually a reward for this child since recess felt dangerous for him. Thus the increase in behavior Without knowing this small piece of information, none of the interventions done by the parents or teachers would ever have worked since he had a far stronger reason to not go to recess.
So, we had the school handle the bully situation and put a stop to it. His behavior was resolved. He had no reason anymore to lose recess so he stopped working so hard to lose it. Happy ending!
Dr. Sherri Singer is a Processing and Motivation Skills Excellence Coach who works with you in person, 1 on 1, live via webcam. Contact Dr. Sherri
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